Breaking Free
When I look back on my childhood, I can pinpoint the obvious signs of depression starting at an early age. Of course, back then I had no knowledge about the way I was feeling, and it made me feel completely different and isolated from everyone around me.
I can clearly remember the night of my first day of 3rd grade, I lied in bed wishing I could have a life where I felt happy, loved, and excepted for being me. As I got older, I only noticed more how truly different I was. nobody around me expressed the feelings I felt inside. People would often comment on the fact that I never smiled, this made me not only annoyed but frustrated. I did not understand why I felt this way and pointing it out made me question myself. Was something wrong with me? Why do I feel so trapped? Why doesn’t anyone understand me? Why do I feel so alone? People never spoke openly about mental health. The comments they did make concerning mental health were mostly negative and insulting. I started to lose confidence in myself, believing what people were saying about me. Believing that I wasn’t good enough, the real me wasn’t good enough.
By the time I graduated high school, I was in such a depressive and destructive state that my body was no longer functioning. I couldn’t fall asleep at night; I would stay up very late. Once I did fall asleep, I could not get out of bed in the morning. I wasn’t eating properly; I wasn’t going to my cegep and was failing all my classes due to the lack of participation. I was falling into a deep dark hole of self-destruction, and I couldn’t pull myself out of it. There wasn’t a moment that I really realized that it was time to ask for help, more like a series of events that led to me realizing these habits had to stop. I deserved to live. I deserved to be me.
I reached out to a social worker who was suggested to me. We started meeting regularly, and I felt comfortable to open up and work together as a team to pull myself out of the hole. I started to realize that in fact I was not alone, there are millions of people all over the world, all around us, that experience challenges with mental health on a daily basis. We just don’t feel comfortable enough to put it out there. Expressing our insecurities is hard, but it is worth it if you can find someone who will accept and love you for all that is in you. At the time, I wasn’t able to fight the anxiety and depression on my own, so I had the help of medication and regularly meeting with a professional. After a few months, I finally learned to love and appreciate myself, and disregarded what other people think. The sooner you start to ignore all the negativity around you, the sooner you can feel you true self-worth. There is nothing wrong with you. You can let go and be free. People around you may or may not understand you but surround yourself with those who do. There are people who will accept you for all your strengths and weaknesses. Before you know it, you will have the strength to fight any challenges that come your way.